Journal Entry: Mon Aug 25, 2014, 3:44 PM
A year has passed and with it came my birthday, it made think about a lot of things, good and bad c:
Somehow I can't help but feel anxious about the passing of time, another year passed and I feel like I'm still where I started a few years ago.
I have made friends, lost friends, I have felt disconnected to the things I love and the things I aspired to achieve not because I didn't care for them anymore but rather because I just can't seem to do them .
Something is keeping me from doing what I love and it's hard, it's hard when you feel passionate about something but you just cannot for the life of you do it because something is keeping you from it.
I know it's a mental blockade, I have been diagnosed with ptsd ( post traumatic stress disorder) recently. The diagnose did not come as a shock to me, I have had my fair share of hardships, and quite honestly sometimes they seem to be never ending.
But I know that I am working towards a better tomorrow, I am not here for anyones pity I just wanted to share what has been on my mind.
I remember the time when deviantart used to be my save haven. I used to be online everyday chatting with my friends and sharing my good and bad moments with them.
I look back fondly upon those days, I made so many friends on here that made me smile even when I felt there was nothing that could cheer me up on that moment, my friends still managed to pull it off.
I remember all the times that I have felt so inspired by my fellow deviants, the times I felt like anything was possible and all the times I felt so accepted by everyone.
I still smile thinking about these memories, I just wish I had never strayed and stayed true to myself.
Somewhere along the line I have lost faith in myself, in my art and I feel like I have lost who I am.
I look back at my past self and at the present me and I see a shell, a shell of what I used to be. I tell myself that I can be that person again, the person that keeps her problems to herself, the person who can smile even in the hardest of times.
But the present me is not that person, my hopes and dreams seem to be so far away and so unattainable. I feel small and insignificant, all I want is to be that goofy and semi positive person again.
Unintentionally I crawled inside my shell more and more until it felt like I no longer belonged here on Da, not among these talented people and somewhere along the line I have made these impossibly high standards for myself.
I felt like my art had to be of a certain quality or it was not fit to be uploaded on Da and no matter how hard I worked it never seemed good enough.
So I uploaded less and less, enforcing the feeling of not belonging here. I still check my messages everyday and feel incredibly humbled to see new people adding me to their watchlist!! ;//*//;
I feel so happy when I see that there are still people who think my art is worth looking at, I just wish I could get rid of my anxiety and the feelings of insecurity that are so deeply rooted inside of me.
I want to be active again, I want to make art , I want to feel like I belong and most of all I want to make friends and keep in touch!
I'm trying to work on all these issues and just enjoy art <33
I'm truly sorry for being such a bum out I really am, please bare with me <3
Thank you, all the people that have been watching me over these passed years and followed me through my journey through good and bad, thank you all for being my friends that I hold in my heart so dearly ;//3//;
My next journal will be in a happier tone I promise!
Reading: Flight of the Eisenstein - James Swallow
Drinking: Energy drink